The Complicated Dynamics Of Favors

People often say that we quickly forget what others do for us. The only favors we remember are the favors we asked for and weren’t given to us. It’s like the world of favors is a minefield, full of terms and debts to pay. And that when in reality nothing should be so free, sincere, humble and altruistic as the simple act of giving and receiving.

Nietzsche explained in one of his books that there are so many enslaved souls who express their gratitude for favors that they choke on gratitude for the rest of their lives. This is a relational dynamic that is as complex as it is interesting. At least from a psychological point of view. Something that should be positive (doing or receiving a favor or giving a compliment is usually a sign of a good relationship) often leads to something uncomfortable when several factors come into play.

In fact, we’ve all experienced this at one time or another. When someone asks you for a favor, the alarm bells ring almost immediately. It’s something that happens automatically. In less than a second you ask yourself a million questions. Is it something serious? What should I do? Will this cost time, money or something else? Am I in an awkward situation?

As you ask yourself all these questions, your mouth has probably already said, “Of course, no problem.” This is especially true if the person asking the favor is someone you have a close relationship with. In that case, you feel obligated to do the favor – big or small. These complicated situations are a mix of emotions and pressure. Because of the potentially high personal costs, it’s better to keep a few things clear in mind.

Shall we think about this for a second?

The Painful World of Favors

We all appreciate it when someone does us a favor. That is, as long as we don’t feel that we “owe” that person. If this is the case, then we experience a ‘threat’. Not a serious threat, that’s for sure, but it’s still a threat. Something similar happened, for example, during the 2008 presidential election in the United States. It’s a curious anecdote and worth going into.

When organizing an election campaign and promoting a candidate, the normal procedure is to make this candidate as attractive as possible. You praise his experience, leadership qualities, achievements or legislative expectations. During John McCain’s campaign, however, his staff made a disastrous mistake.

They presented McCain as a war hero. He made huge sacrifices for his country as a soldier. He was tortured as a prisoner of war. He was therefore someone who had to be ‘rewarded’. Because everyone owed him something.

This last sentence was part of almost every speech they gave. No one in his advisory team could see or understand that our brains automatically perceive that phrase as a threat. No one likes to be in debt or under pressure. When someone does you a favor, the last thing you want is for them to come back and demand a pound of flesh, as Shylock said in The Merchant of Venice.

In fact, we all experience this continuously. If someone gives you a present, you have to return it. When you are invited to a baptism, wedding, or communion, you are usually “committed” to give something as valuable as the invitation. That could be money, or it could be gifts. Much of what we do in this regard is conditioned by what others do for us, often without asking. We are also conditioned by the criticism we receive for not doing someone a favor.

What can you do about the toxic cycle of favors?

There’s a certain poisonous air in the world of favors, and we’re not exaggerating. Social psychology reminds us of the characteristics of favors in a healthy relationship. The most positive and satisfying relationships are those where we do and receive favors without being demanding or resorting to blackmail and manipulation.

‘Doing favours’ is common in any context, this is a fact. Favors confirm the bond you form with your family, partner, friends or colleagues. Yet we often hear those typical statements like ‘I would do it for you’ or ‘after all we’ve done for you…’

What can you do when faced with situations that are clearly toxic? We recommend that you consider the following ideas:

• Don’t do a favor if you expect something in return or if you don’t really want it. The things you do for others should come from the heart. Don’t do them because you have to. Do it freely and do it because it supports your values ​​and identity.

• Don’t let anyone do anything for you that you haven’t agreed to or asked for. Also, don’t let people do you favors that make you feel uncomfortable or cost you dearly.
• Listen to your inner voice and your intuition. When someone asks you for something, your instincts tell you within seconds whether you should do it or not.
• If you say no to a request for a legitimate and logical reason and the other person responds badly, ask yourself if the response is genuine.

Finally…

Remember that favors should be given for free. They are expressions of reciprocity based on genuine trust. They should never be based on blackmail. Also remember that the best favors, the favors you never forget, are the favors no one asks you for. This shows that you can anticipate the needs of other people. It shows that you love and respect them.