Indirect Language Can Do A Lot Of Damage

The ingenious and talented actor and comedian Groucho Marx immortalized the phrase “these are my principles and if you don’t like them… well, I have others too”. He was a great comedian who, through the use of comic indirection, could say anything he wanted, no matter who he was making fun of. Indirect language can be used to make people laugh, which makes it fun, and it often is.

But it can be a problem when used in a different context and when you’re trying to get an important message across. In such a context, where the content of the message is especially important,  people use indirect language because they are not sure what exactly to say.

If indirect language is not used in the right way and in the right context, it can do real damage. Using distorted and manipulative language can  destroy even the most important relationship .

What is indirect language and why is it harmful?

Indirect language is defined as  an expression used to make someone understand something, without saying it exactly or clearly. This is the most accepted meaning.

In other words,  indirect language can be fun…or not. If you look at a study conducted by Professor James K. McNulty, he concludes that having high expectations can ruin the happiness of couples whose bonds are not solid or free.

What does McNulty’s research have to do with indirect language use? According to this professor, high expectations in a marriage or relationship generally lead to personal and marital dissatisfaction. All this leads to a chain reaction of extremely negative attitudes towards communication.

Conclusion on indirect language use

The marital discontent McNulty found led him to conclude that it is extremely important to be direct when demanding change from a partner. You have to be clear if you want to encourage him to change.

When people use indirectness and nasty comments,  McNulty says they pave the way for indirect hostility and sarcasm, which take control of the relationship. This creates an environment where negativity is rampant and makes it harder to resolve conflicts. This is clearly destructive.

Too much indirection is a lack of communication channel in the relationship. It is a breeding ground for silence, contempt, aggression and aloofness. According to the research, this occurs in quite a few marriages  .

Other interesting cases of indirection

Other studies have delved much deeper into the problems related to indirection. In 1956, the anthropologist Gregory Bateson argued  that ambiguous messages—such as receiving insults frequently while simultaneously receiving a contradictory nonverbal message—can lead to the development of anxiety disorders and even schizophrenia.

Of course, this does not mean that you cannot use indirect language in your everyday communication. It doesn’t have to be pathological. You can use it casually, as long as you keep in mind that you’re putting a veil over your message that makes it harder to reach the other person.

How to use indirect language logically

There are, of course, reasonable ways to use indirection. Let’s look at some ideas from McNulty, Bateson, and coach Victor Pacheco, who has also researched this topic:

• In relationships of at least two people, it  is necessary to build a foundation of respectful and healthy communication. Think before you speak and don’t hurt other people to defend yourself
• Be honest and direct in all your relationships. If you use indirection to avoid hurting someone, or to hurt someone, you are  damaging your communication with them, running away from the problem, and breaking any kind of harmony you had with them. You can use indirect language, but remember that it is exactly what it is: an unclear message. So you are responsible if the other person does not understand you

• Think before you speak. That way you’ll know what you’re saying, you’ll learn to respect the other person’s perspective, and you’ll have more enriching discussions that lead to more valuable conclusions.

Remember that you use indirection to a limited extent, once you know the environment you are in and where you have laid the foundation for common good  with the other person. If not, you could be creating a breeding ground that could ruin the relationship within a few months. Is that what you want?