I Didn’t Know How To Leave

I kept coming back because I didn’t know how to leave. However, I realized that you didn’t want me by your side at all, which caused me to learn how to manage never to come back. When did I notice this? When you had the chance to spare me a moment of suffering, waiting and crying, but you chose not to. Then I remembered the lonely nights I had spent with my clock and knew it was over.

You were unable to save me from even one painful night. Just one text, one phone call or one small word the moment you knew I was waiting for you would have been enough.

This was exactly what happened to me when I was with you, only I refused to accept it and kept going back to your house. And I kept waiting and waiting for you, but there was no response. Then you made sure that I never had to come back to you and that I would forget the way to you.

I don’t know when our relationship started to get bad, maybe it was bad from the start. I knew that believing in eternal love means believing in a myth, but my heart cried out to me not to let you go. This kept me coming back again and again, because I wanted to save you.

Haste never gives good advice about love, although I must thank you for quickly showing me that I am worth more than all this, all that I thought was far beyond me. For now it is no longer the darkness that hangs over me; I have come to see the sun and able to make the decision that has long been needed.

That’s what’s so bad about vicious circles: it seems like you can never get out of it, when all you have to do is let the problem rest for a day. You’ve already helped me see the truth behind these words: ‘No one chooses to fall in love, it happens by accident. No one stays in love by accident, this is done through effort. And no one is no longer in love by accident, this happens by choice.’

So I’m starting to understand it better and better: first one goes and then the other and I was the last one to make the choice to break my own heart and achieve happiness. Love is short, forgetting is so long, Pablo Neruda once said. It feels like thousands of daggers being stabbed into your chest.

In addition, you taught me that my dignity is more important than all pleas and that it is time to cut the knot and stifle what no longer exists. Love too will die and the belief that this will not happen causes pain. It is therefore time to accept this.

Ultimately, all that matters is acceptance; victory comes naturally. I refused to accept things and when I was finally willing and able to do so, I was mad at myself and at love. I understood then that love is also miserable and I could not understand that something that once gave me butterflies in my stomach, could now suddenly bring me down.

I started thinking about how I could free myself from you and suddenly I was overcome by a deep sense of sadness, fully aware, that I was unable to move. However, now I know that eventually this feeling must be overcome step by step and that there is no going back.

Only those who can no longer feel and dream are truly defeated and I am still capable of both. That’s why I want to thank you for not trying to ease my pain. Because of this, I was able to understand that I myself am the person who deserves my love more than anyone or anything.