Cognitive Dissonance In The Context Of Relationships

In this article, we will talk about Leon Festinger’s famous cognitive dissonance theory. For this particular article, we’re going to study it in the context of an emotionally dependent relationship. We decided to do this because of all the damage that can occur if we don’t handle cognitive dissonance properly.

Cognitive dissonance is a classic concept in psychology, coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. It refers to the fact that people usually strive to maintain an internal coherence and agreement between their beliefs, values, and behavior.

When this balance is threatened, the person feels very uncomfortable and will try to restore this balance. Cognitive dissonance is a common psychological effect. We have all experienced it to a greater or lesser extent. Today we are going to focus on its effect on emotional dependence.

Strategies to Deceive Ourselves

We are often unaware of this dissonance. However, when we detect it, we usually have different strategies to face it, sometimes even subconsciously. Either we downplay our behavior ( “it doesn’t matter” or “we have to die of something” ) or we deceive ourselves ( “I’m sure things will change” ).

In other cases, we may change our own mind and try to influence others to change their mind. We can even devise strategies so that we don’t have to compare ourselves to other people.

For example, “Yes, it’s true, he died of cancer because he smoked, but he had a family history and I don’t have it.”

Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependency relationships is a fairly common topic. When someone is completely absorbed in a toxic relationship, they know deep down they need to get out of that relationship. But at the same time, there is always something stopping them from doing it.

The fear of loneliness and the experience of loss go hand in hand with the discomfort you feel every day when you live in a destructive relationship day in and day out.

When “I must” and “I need” meet

The cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence arises when the person begins to feel that every day with the other person is like a prison sentence. This may be because their partner humiliates or excludes them.

It also happens when they are aggressive, argumentative, or even disloyal. As a result, the dependent person’s self-image is increasingly affected.

When emotionally dependent people have a spark of clarity, they open their eyes and can see things as they really are. They become aware of the pain they are suffering. Everything becomes like a whirlwind for them. They also realize that they have to end the relationship because it hurts them so much.

Unfortunately, emotional dependence harbors something even more powerful: namely, fear of rejection or loneliness. The fear of being alone keeps them in a tight grip. As a result, that moment of brightness often disappears like snow in the sun.

Trust in false comfort in cognitive dissonance

Instead of doing the logical, cohesive thing and deciding to end the relationship, the person resorts to the false comfort of “needing” the other person to not be alone. As a result, things stay the same and nothing changes.

The dependent person remains in the toxic relationship and this leads to a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance or dissatisfaction. Though you know you must escape, the thought of impending loneliness terrifies you.

Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence becomes even more unpleasant when the people around you clearly see, from their own point of view, that you need to end the relationship.

They have the best intentions and want to help you. They say things like “Can’t you see your partner is being unfaithful?” or  “You shouldn’t be yelled at like that” and “Leave before it’s too late.”

This, of course, creates an even greater internal conflict. The dependent may argue with these people, or even cut off contact with them to avoid further dissonance.

This cognitive dissonance is exacerbated when people, especially if they are important to us, have a hard time coping with the way we behave.

Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence: apologies and self-deception

In the context of toxic relationships, apologies and self-deception are common. They emerge in an effort to lessen the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance. In this way, people end up thinking that the things they have created in their minds are real to try to (incorrectly) understand the situation.

Cognitive dissonance in an emotionally dependent relationship gives us the key to detecting self-deception. The best clues of all are our emotions. When you are in a harmful relationship and your behavior conflicts with it, you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes this can even lead to depression, with all its consequences such as:

• insomnia
• lack of appetite
• apathy…

Thinking about breaking up

Another way we deceive ourselves is when we think about the possible breakup and experience it as if it were a deep abyss. We will certainly be filled with an intense fear of the uncertainty that may arise from a future with all these changes ahead.

This can often convince us even more that we should stay by our partner’s side. Not so much out of love, but rather out of fear of being alone. We simply don’t rely on our ability, our resources, or our potential.

Going to therapy is essential if we want to discover all these tricks that our thoughts play on us. These thoughts ensure that we have a safe, but unwanted future.

Psychological therapy can really help us in this sense to reduce this dissonance using strategies that will not harm us in any way. The idea is to take steps that will lead us to finally face reality.