Adversity Doesn’t Always Make You More Resilient

Adversity doesn’t always make you more resilient. Resilience has become something of a buzzword, to the point that our understanding of how it works is quite far from the truth. Not everyone who goes through a difficult time becomes more competent as a result. More often than not, those tough times weigh you down and leave you feeling unhappy and fulfilled.

We live in an era of transformation, in every sense of the word. Perhaps that’s why optimism and positivity don’t work as well in many people as they used to. The classic “Always look at the bright side of life” that the characters in the movie the Life of Brian sang sounds a bit hollow these days.

Right now you are dealing with the problems and risks you are facing today. You can’t turn away and think “everything will be fine, this will make me stronger.”  This just isn’t enough. It is time to make room for other possibilities, to learn to deal with setbacks, negative emotions and the less nice side of life.

Resilience does exist, but you don’t get it automatically. It doesn’t activate by itself and it doesn’t always show up when you need it most. That’s why it’s important to understand how this valuable psychological resource works.

Adversity doesn’t always make you more resilient, but you can learn from it

We have become accustomed to labeling experiences (and emotions) as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. As a result, many people have become intolerant of anything that falls into the latter category. It’s easy to understand why. After all, people prefer stability, complacency, harmony, pleasure and balance.

However, when unexpected things happen, the discord of problems and difficult situations in any form often leads to a mental block. You gasp for air, without the psychological tools to get through the storm.

Adversity doesn’t always make you more resilient, because not everyone knows how to activate it. Moreover, sometimes you are dealing with an extremely difficult situation that you may not be able to overcome. Let’s dig a little deeper into this.

Resilience doesn’t mean facing adversity, it means navigating through them

People often use the lighthouse metaphor to talk about resilience. Imagine a lighthouse on the edge of a stormy sea. The waves hit the side. The lighthouse does not flinch. No matter how windy it gets or how fierce the storms are, the lighthouse remains standing.

This is a nice metaphor, but it’s not true. A much more helpful – if less poetic and inspiring – metaphor is a buoy. It goes something like this:

Instead of fighting the waves (which represent adversity), you must move with them, like buoys floating on the surface. Your mental clarity and self-control will keep you afloat and able to weather the storm.

The key is to have something that anchors you to the bottom. This internal anchor is made up of your thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. They help hold you in place when life tries its best to throw you into the sea.

Setbacks don’t always make you more resilient, these processes take time

Adversity doesn’t always make you more resilient. Sometimes hard days are just hard days. They are hard on you and then they are over, without having taught you a particular lesson. Other times you can’t activate your resilience because you don’t have the right coping mechanisms.

Sometimes you feel lost when you are in an unfavorable situation. That’s more normal than you think. If it weren’t for that, we wouldn’t need psychologists, psychiatrists, and mental health specialists. However, you are not a superhero or a lighthouse, impervious to even the worst storms. You are human and people fall sometimes.

So needing the support of experts who provide you with tools to help you deal with your problems is completely normal.

Some people carry every burden and make the most of the challenges, others just survive

Adversity will not automatically make you more resilient, that much is clear. The outcome also depends a lot on the person in question. Some people are naturally adept at handling difficult circumstances. Not only do they handle it well, but they also manage to turn their problems into opportunities.

Other people who face adversity manage to survive, but that’s all. They stay afloat and they stay on course, but they don’t get the most out of it.

Let’s be clear, both responses are equally valid and admirable. After all, when you’re dealing with tough moments in your life, the goal is to come out on the other side, with your physical and mental health intact. If you succeed, you have been successful.

Some people will cross that threshold with new tools and lessons learned. Others will simply be relieved that they have left the darkness and can start over.

You should feel good about your efforts no matter what camp you end up in. The important thing is to keep charting new waters and moving forward toward that hopeful horizon.