Only The Words Of People We Care About Sometimes Hurt

Words are powerful. So powerful that they can cause a lot of emotional pain. Like getting punched in the face, like your soul being torn in two and your heart being broken into a million pieces.

This effect is only so powerful when the words come from someone who means a lot to us: a partner, family member, a friend… We lose our balance when we feel the aggression of someone we have a close relationship with.

The influence of language lasts surprisingly long. Children do not easily forget hurtful words and people do not erase their partner’s verbal aggression from their memory.

Language is not just a collection of words associated with meanings transmitted to us and taught by society and our culture. Language is primarily a way of communicating and conveying emotions. Even the tone in which we speak and our facial expressions can convey meaning.

Throughout our lives, we may receive comments that are inappropriate, disappointing, and sometimes even malicious. However, we usually just let these comments go so they don’t leave lasting scars on our minds. The comments that do leave scars are the comments that come from our loved ones.

Somewhere deep in our minds, we all remember that nasty comment a close relative once made. Even today, you may have painful memories of certain words and sayings that came from someone you love.

Words that leave scars

We must remember that we can all blurt out something inappropriate that could be hurtful or disruptive to another person. Even if you just say the wrong thing at the wrong time. However, this becomes a problem when it’s not just words, but someone around us generally communicates with us in a hurtful way and shows virtually no affection.

Words that don’t contain enough affection can create serious holes in our souls. Holes of loneliness and isolation in small children and sources of disappointment and bitterness in people who are hurt by their partners.

Paul Watzlawick, an Austrian psychologist and expert on communication and language, came up with an interesting theory he called “disconfirmation.” He explored the destructive power that words have in communication between people and the most common ways people use words to destroy.

• Undervaluation: In this form of communication, someone uses words to lower the value of a person. He makes everything this person says and does less important and uses language to make worthless and completely dishonor the whole being, the whole essence of this person. Undervaluation can be very destructive.
• Exclusion: in this case someone is not out to undervalue someone, but on the contrary to give someone less recognition, to assert less. He goes one step further and uses words like ‘You are worth nothing at all’, ‘You are the weirdest person in the whole world’, ‘You are worth even less than the soles of someone’s shoes’.
• Debunking: This form of communication is used for the purpose of destroying someone completely. In the first two cases, the aim is to devalue and humiliate someone else, while in this case the aim is to outright ignore someone. It doesn’t matter if the child is good or bad; it will be ignored anyway. It doesn’t matter if the partner is on the side of the one he loves; he will be treated as if he were nothing more than an empty place. As if he doesn’t exist…

How to deal with hurtful words

Sometimes people don’t know how to communicate properly. They lack the proper tools to provide emotional intimacy, respect, and recognition. These types of people talk without thinking and hurt others without realizing it (usually at least).

The first requirement for all forms of communication should be respect. We have found ourselves in this type of situation several times throughout our lives. We should know how to face the pain associated with words coming from close people. That’s why we give you a few handy tips to do this below:

• We have to estimate the personality of the other person. Perhaps one of your parents or a sibling has this trait: a lack of emotional and respectful communication skills. If so, then you should try to confront this fact. However, always be clear about what uttering “hurtful words” means to you.
• If his/her way of communicating is always aggressive and violates your rights and sometimes even excludes them completely, there is no point in making the relationship stronger. This is simply abuse and in this case you have to protect yourself and distance yourself when necessary.
• For example, if a partner often makes sarcastic comments, then you should recognize that this is also some form of personal violation. So don’t allow this.

• Understand from the start that the way people pronounce words says a lot about their personality. So if you don’t feel comfortable with their way of speaking, then you may not be a good fit for these people.

We all experience times when we say hurtful words or are thrown at us. Then don’t hesitate to indicate that you find these words unpleasant, uncomfortable and painful. Make use of “personalization” and make the other person think about how they would feel if they put themselves in your shoes.

One of the biggest problems with communicating is when we learn to respond rather than understand. This is when hurtful words start to appear.

–Images courtesy of ‘Art in the Dark’ and Beth Joole–